This was a post that I never thought I would have to write. But in contemplating about whether or not to share this news, I remembered that this is afterall my blog and I started it to document my family's adventures. Our Christmas baby is part of our family, albeit not on earth, so I really want to talk about our sweet little one.
*Trigger warning: Do not read if you're upset about pregnancy loss.*
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So, the long and short story is that we were pregnant.
For 16 weeks.
I didn't want to share the news any earlier because this was my 5th pregnancy and I was somehow so afraid of what people would think or say about me.
Looking back, this was all so stupid because why should I bother about what others think about me? No one family is the same and God's plans for each person and family is so very different and unique. If there is no basis of comparing apples to pears, why did I allow the societal fear of people's opinions hold me back from sharing my joy?
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Dear baby
Christmas will never be the same again. We miss you. You were supposed to be our last baby. To complete our family. Now, you're gone and there's such a searing hole in my heart.
I'm so sorry that I wasn't prouder of your existence. I hid it. I was embarrassed. I was scared about what others would say about me as you're our 5th baby and we live in a world that looks down on big families.
As such, I deprived myself and others the chance to rejoice over you. Over your existence. For a full 16 weeks.
You were our rainbow after the storm.
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| You were scratching your nose here |
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| You were moving around so much here |
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| Can see all your fingers formed! |
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| First time we saw your heartbeat at 8 weeks |
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| This was supposed to be our pregnancy announcement |
Mummy prayed for 4 years about whether I should go for a 5th child.
Then came the covid lockdown of 2 years. Mummy and Daddy had a very tough season in our marriage and it wasn't sure for the longest time if we would ever try for a 5th baby.
Mummy gave up her desire to have a 5th child to the Lord. She thought it was selfish and greedy to ask for one last blessing. She asked the Lord to take away this desire to have one last baby. Mummy and Daddy spent a lot of time seeking help and building up our marriage again.
As life would have it, Mummy got pregnant in Sept 2021 unexpectedly. It lasted only 5 weeks but it was such a pivotal shift in Daddy's heart.
The Lord touched Daddy's heart to indeed want to have one last baby. But Mummy couldn't get pregnant for one whole year.
August 2022 came and Mummy got pregnant one more time but it ended up in a miscarriage too at 5 weeks. Some people call that a "chemical pregnancy" but for Mummy, it was another baby.
You came into our lives one month later and we rejoiced over your existence. You were such a wanted child! 4 years of prayer and 2 miscarriages later, we were overjoyed to see your 12-week body waving at us and having a lovely heartbeat.
Over Christmas, Mummy had a feeling that something was wrong so she went to the hospital.
Nothing could ever prepare us for the words of "we cannot find a heartbeat". Tears were cried, while shock and disbelief sank into our hearts. The doctor asked for the head doctor to come in to confirm her diagnosis that you were gone.
Mummy knew when she saw your unmoving body on the ultrasound. I knew that my little gummy bear was gone. My heart was shattered into a million pieces.
We prayed over you and asked the good Lord to revive your body. It was honestly hard to believe on that level of resurrection because you were gone for a good 4 weeks. Mummy reckoned that Lazarus was dead for 3 days and Jesus was dead for 3 days, but there were no examples of anybody being resurrected after 4 weeks.
Still, we asked for prayers and decided for go for another ultrasound 2 days later.
The diagnosis was still the same. You were gone. This time though, a deep peace settled on me. I knew that you were safe in the arms of Jesus. You looked so peaceful asleep in the ultrasound.
Fear gripped my heart because I didn't know what to expect, having to deliver a dead baby.
I've only heard of horror stories of women who bled a lot, fainted and needed emergency care during their miscarriage.
We had people praying over us like crazy. I asked specifically that the labour would be "quick and painless and that the abortion pill would take effect quickly."
Guess what??
Labour with you was exactly that!
Mummy took the abortion pill and she started to feel some mild cramping but it wasn't painful. In fact it was so painless that she could continue to talk to Daddy on the phone.
The next thing I knew, my waters broke. I was shocked. Wow. My waters broke and I didn't feel any pain?
I wasn't allowed to take a second pill because it was too late and the doctor said I should have the second pill in the morning.
But I really wanted to give birth to you. My friend messaged me and gave me some specific breathing exercises and told me to visualise you coming down the birth canal.
I breathed deeply and pushed for 3 times before you were born. I was in shock. The birth was completely painless! My heart broke into a million pieces to see your lifeless body in real life. I bawled my eyes out cos I knew I would never see you alive on this side of eternity. The nurse came in and hugged me so tightly while I sobbed uncontrollably. Daddy race-drove to the hospital to be with Mummy.
You were a part of me for 4 months and for the first time I saw your body. Lifeless but oh so cute. You were in a sleeping position and your 2 arms were wrapped around your right side where you nested your head. Daddy saw you and commented, "You sleep just like the Tews kids." All your brothers and sister sleep just like that.
Daddy arrived just in time to cut your umbilical cord and Mummy was so happy that Daddy got to do that. The nurses were in a hurry to bring me to the operating theatre to do a D&C for Mummy cos the placenta was stuck and they wanted to clean me out.
Everything was so smooth and Mummy was back in the room within an hour. I missed you so much and asked to see you again. I love looking at your miniature body and counting all your fingers and toes. You looked so real and Mummy marvelled at the reality of how God wonderfully and fearfully formed you in Mummy's womb.
We will never stop missing you on this side of eternity.
You were such a wanted child. Such a wanted 5th child. I promise I won't ever be silent about you again. I will never be embarrassed to have wanted you.
Have fun playing with your grandma in heaven. We will see you again.
Love you so so so much
Mummy
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Pregnancy loss is real but the silence on this topic is even more deafening. I will not be silent. When you live, you will die. Why are we only sharing the positive happy moments in our lives and choosing to be silent about our losses? I want to share my baby cos my baby was real and he was God's blessing for us. His absence on earth does not nullify the fact that he existed. I will have no answers on earth on why this happened and of course I struggle with the guilt and the "whys". I've had 3 very early miscarriages at 5 weeks but this is the first time that my baby passed at 12 weeks.
Still, I am thankful for this:-
1. I will see my baby again in heaven one day
2. I had a very easy and complication-free birth at 12 weeks. It was truly my first painless childbirth and I'm hardly bleeding anymore. No pain post recovery either. I can fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans and it almost feels like I've never been pregnant. Sad also, but what a quick recovery.
3. I could see baby in the ultrasound at 12 weeks so I could get all my ultrasound photos and watch baby waving at me. Baby must have passed away shortly after that cos baby wasn't measuring much bigger than 12 weeks.
4. How my 4 other children really love their youngest baby. When I came back from the hospital, Gabriel immediately asked if he could see photos of baby. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea but before I knew it, all my kids came over and they were all loving on their baby from the photos. I could talk to them about death and tell them we have an eternal hope in the Lord Jesus as long as we don't throw away our faith in Him.
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