Dear Isabelle - 5 years old

Dear Isabelle

Or "Belly" as we all like to call you. Ideally, we'd call you "Belle" but since Mummy's close friend is also called "Bel", we decided to call you "Belly" instead. 

You've turned 5! 

You had a princess-themed party and you were so looking forward to it! Mummy also truly enjoyed organising you a pink princess party. We had your children birthday party two weeks later because we decided to go away for your birthday weekend. You and Samuel got birthday vouchers which gave you free entries to Therme Erding in Munich, so we decided to take advantage of the chance before the vouchers expired (4 weeks). 

The weather forecast looked gloomy so we decided that we would have an indoor party at home with 7 other princesses. Mummy prepared crafts to make a mirror, princess wand and a princess magnet. All the girls gave their best shot at the crafts and it was so lovely to see the end result. 

When the rain stopped, you girls even headed out to the trampoline in the garden and we could play some games there before heading back indoors when it got too cold. 

This is the first time that you've had a children birthday party. Prior to your 5th birthday party, we always invited adult friends to celebrate. But with you getting older, you wanted to celebrate with your friends, so we decided to a children-themed party.

We so enjoy having you in our lives. You're such a talkative, smart and curious little girl. You love to bake and would often fight for kitchen space with your brother to make chicken nuggets, banana cakes or chocolate cookies. 

You've entered into your final (third) year of kindergarten. Your first year was a breeze because you thoroughly enjoyed going to kindergarten with your older brother. However, once your brother graduated from kindergarten, you went through a phase during which you absolutely refused to leave the house for kindergarten. That reluctance coupled with all the stress of corona measures, resulted in you staying home for 2 months before we attempted to get you back into kindergarten. 

I think a big part of your regression from kindergarten was because you missed your brother and you didn't have any close friends. You'd often tell me that you didn't play with anybody and played alone in the doll session. You're very independent though and would often enjoy having that quiet time playing on your own because you're surrounded by 3 older brothers at home. 

With time though, you finally found a close girlfriend, Ellie, whom you call "my best friend forever". Since then, you look forward to kindergarten more but you're still not fussed about having to go to kindergarten everyday. Mummy's happy to have you at home, so on average you go to kindergarten 4 times a week. 

You started learning how to swim in summer. We're so proud of you for overcoming your fear of diving into the water without your floats. You were so uncertain at your first session but you decided to muster all your courage to sit at the side of the pool while awaiting instructions. Within 2 sessions, you felt confident enough for Mummy to leave. Mummy enjoyed the 1-on-1 time driving you to the pool, waiting for you, popping by a nice playground on the way home before heading back. 

After that swim course ended, we got a spot for you at the swim club near our house. We walk there for 10 mins, change and Mummy heads back home to do some chores before picking you up again. It's such a joy to see you spread your wings and gain more independence. 

On Thursdays we go for crafting at our old place. The teacher prepares cool craft like lanterns and autumn decorations. Mummy enjoys bonding with you and having a keepsake to bring home with us. After crafting, we drive straight to your gymnastics class which you absolutely love. Your brothers go for their swim course at the same time. 

This craft was quite a test of Mummy's patience and perseverance! I had to split my time and effort between you and your friend, while paying close attention to the time in order not to be (too) late for your gymnastics class. But the result was so worth it! 

You have a gift of the gab. Hmm... I wonder where you got that from? Grandma says that whenever they pick you up for grandparents' day, you would talk to her non-stop in the back of the car. I wonder what you talk about! You would speak German to your grandparents but with us, you prefer to converse in English. 

You still allow Mummy to pick your clothes, which I'm so thankful! Left to your own devices, you'd often dress yourself in leggings and a top. That said, you loved your cinderella dress that you wore for your birthday. It was such a "WOW" experience for me to see your all dolled up as a princess. 

You love copying mommy. Whenever Mummy wears some make-up, you would ask to apply the "shiny thing" on your lip as well. 

You got some barbie dolls for your birthday and you absolutely love to play dress-up with your dollies. Watching you play with girly toys reminds Mummy of my own girly childhood! I'll forever be grateful that God chose you to be in our family. You've truly completed our family! 

You've been praying for a baby sister since our 5th baby went home to be with the Lord. Mummy just turned 41. It's all in God's hands!!! Mummy is still amazed at your childlike and persistent faith! 

You've got such a compassionate heart and would sometimes talk about baby Noel. We didn't know if baby #5 was a boy or girl but we named the baby "Noel" since baby went home to be with the Lord over Christmas. You do struggle with the "why's" of life. Why did baby Noel die?? Why do other people have their baby sister / brother whereas you've been praying for a year but nothing happens. We've been talking to you about trusting in God's best plans for our family. Maybe God has one more for us, maybe not. We don't know what the future brings but we know that we can keep praying and trusting in God for *His* best for our lives. 

Mummy said to you that she would miss this phase of your life being small. And I said jokingly, "Shall we pray that you won't grow older?" You replied, "But Mummy, growing up is the best part!" That's so true darling. Growing up is the best part. Mummy may cling onto your childhood knowing full well you may be our last baby, but with God, we can look forward to every season of our lives. It's still bittersweet though! 

Our prayer for you is to know how deeply-loved you are by God and us. That your life was carefully planned and orchestrated by Father God and He has chosen you to be salt and light in your generation. May you be fearless to live for truth and yet have such a gentle and caring heart for others. That you would hear the voice of God at a young age and have faith that can move mountains!! Life is meant to be lived to the full and with God, we can have the most amazing adventures in life! You go girl! 

Love

Mummy & Daddy 

Celebrating the turn of the decade (40!)

Our last beach holiday to Livorno, Italy July 2022

Yup! I've turned the big old 4-0!

My 2nd boy drew this photo and he commented, "Wow Mummy, 40 candles are a LOT!" I acknowledged his statement with a sheepish grin while nodding my head. 

My first boy greeted with a very enthusiastic "Happy birthday Mummy!" Followed by a "Wow, 40 is very old!" I told him, "Well, you are 11 years old right? So how old should I be? I was 29 when you were born."

Gabriel overhead our conversation and went, "No Mum, you were not 29, you were 28. Sam is born in Sept and your birthday is in Dec." 

*mindblown* 

"Yes, you're very sharp Gabriel. It's true. I was still 28 when Sam was born but I turned 29 a few months after." 

Whenever one turns a new decade, one feels like a chapter of the book is over. Oh make that 10 chapters. I remember feeling ancient when I turned 30. I was pregnant with my #2 back then and had a 1-year old to take care of. We had a p-party where everybody had to come dressed in a character beginning with the letter "p". 

This year though, I have turned 40. I spent the most of 2022 in denial that I would turn 40 just before the turn of the new year. I clung onto the "30s" for as long as I could. Say what you'd like,  but when you tell someone you're "30-something", it adds 10 years of youth compared to when you're in your 40s. It doesn't matter that 39 and 40 is only 1 year apart. Even when you fill in survey forms, 40 years old puts you in the next 10 years of being older category. Don't even get me started with how society doesn't seem to accept that women age just as much as men. But while mens' charm continues to grow with their greying hair and wrinkles, women fuel the multi-billion dollar industry of anti-ageing facial products, face lifts, botox injections and pretty much anything that technology and money can buy to turn back time. 

I just coloured the roots of my hair because even my 9-year old was going, "Wow, Mummy your hair is so white!" The hub came to my rescue and explained to my boy, saying "Hey, you can't tell mummy stuff she already knows. She knows she has white hair but you're not allowed to repeat that to her."

40 is pretty much half-life for most people. That's where the term "mid-life crisis" was termed when men hit their 40s right? 

I'm fully aware that life is so transient that none of us knows the number of days that the Lord has ordained for each of us. I've also realised in the last 2 years how a worldwide pandemic can change the facade of many friendships and put family bonds to the test. I know friends my age who have lost their spouses through divorce and demise. Being a Christian does not make one immune to suffering, although we are promised that God will walk through every season with us. 

The past 2 covid years has also put a lot of strain on my family personally. Thus explaining the 2-year dearth of blog entries.  Taking care of my family's well-being physically, mentally and emotionally, while trying to make sure I don't drown in the all the added responsibility of being a good Mom, left me with no energy nor inspiration to write. 

The positive side is that with the added time I had on my hands, I could read my Bible, write in my personal journal and just live my life without the added expectation of blogging about my life. I don't like documenting about hard experiences, so I preferred not to write at all. The negative side is Isabelle only has a yearly-update at 1 year old. She's 4 now. And obviously I can hardly remember what she was like at 2 or 3. 

But I do enjoy writing. It helps me to compartmentalise my life. Think about the good and bad and yet choose to focus on the good. So here's me trying to gently restart a very old and rusty engine. This year, I decided that instead of dwelling on the fact that I am 40 years old young, I'm going to give thanks for all the blessings I continue to enjoy. 

1. I'm strong and healthy at 40

2. I have 4 beautiful healthy children aged 11, 9, 6 and 4. 

3. I have a wonderful husband and blessed marriage of 16 years! 

4. God continues to provide for our family through my husband's job as a tax advisor

5. Knowing how God never gives up on His children. I've experienced answered prayers in my marriage in so many areas I never thought possible. 

6. Even if we pray for the "wrong" thing, God won't "punish" us by answering our prayer "wrongly". He will still answer our prayer according to His perfect will. 

7. Wonderful house with a garden for the past 1.5 years! 

8. Newly-installed solar panels on our roofs to combat the crazy energy and gas prices in Germany

9. Saving 19% on taxes on our solar panels when the installation is complete in Jan 2023. That's about 1,000€! 

10. Wonderful osteopath who has helped me repeatedly with various back and hip issues

11. Totally bias, but I'm sooo happy to have a little girl! After 3 boys, God knew that my heart yearned for a girl as much as I love my 3 boys. And despite my little faith, God rewarded us with a baby girl whom Gabriel prayed so hard for. 

13. My 2 older boys who withstood the peer pressure and mockery when they stood firm and not wore masks. 2 years of mandatory mask-wearing later, the studies have proven that masks were pretty much useless in the pandemic to stop the spread. 

14. Having a lovely little boy who's already waiting for us in heaven. Nothing like losing a loved one to make one so look forward to eternity with Christ where there will be no more suffering, pain and demise. What a joy that will be! 

At Cinque Terre, Italy 

Celebrating my 40th at our favourite Spanish restaurant! 

I shall not talk about how my 2 older boys were kicking each other under the table and got into a fight before the food came *facepalm* 

Dear Christmas baby #5 - Have fun with Jesus in heaven

This was a post that I never thought I would have to write. But in contemplating about whether or not to share this news, I remembered that this is afterall my blog and I started it to document my family's adventures. Our Christmas baby is part of our family, albeit not on earth, so I really want to talk about our sweet little one. 

*Trigger warning: Do not read if you're upset about pregnancy loss.*

--------

So, the long and short story is that we were pregnant. 

For 16 weeks. 

I didn't want to share the news any earlier because this was my 5th pregnancy and I was somehow so afraid of what people would think or say about me. 

Looking back, this was all so stupid because why should I bother about what others think about me? No one family is the same and God's plans for each person and family is so very different and unique. If there is no basis of comparing apples to pears, why did I allow the societal fear of people's opinions hold me back from sharing my joy? 

------------------

Dear baby

Christmas will never be the same again. We miss you. You were supposed to be our last baby. To complete our family. Now, you're gone and there's such a searing hole in my heart. 

I'm so sorry that I wasn't prouder of your existence. I hid it. I was embarrassed. I was scared about what others would say about me as you're our 5th baby and we live in a world that looks down on big families. 

As such, I deprived myself and others the chance to rejoice over you. Over your existence. For a full 16 weeks. 

You were our rainbow after the storm. 

You were scratching your nose here

You were moving around so much here

Can see all your fingers formed!

 

First time we saw your heartbeat at 8 weeks 

This was supposed to be our pregnancy announcement 

Mummy prayed for 4 years about whether I should go for a 5th child. 

Then came the covid lockdown of 2 years. Mummy and Daddy had a very tough season in our marriage and it wasn't sure for the longest time if we would ever try for a 5th baby. 

Mummy gave up her desire to have a 5th child to the Lord. She thought it was selfish and greedy to ask for one last blessing. She asked the Lord to take away this desire to have one last baby. Mummy and Daddy spent a lot of time seeking help and building up our marriage again. 

As life would have it, Mummy got pregnant in Sept 2021 unexpectedly. It lasted only 5 weeks but it was such a pivotal shift in Daddy's heart. 

The Lord touched Daddy's heart to indeed want to have one last baby. But Mummy couldn't get pregnant for one whole year. 

August 2022 came and Mummy got pregnant one more time but it ended up in a miscarriage too at 5 weeks. Some people call that a "chemical pregnancy" but for Mummy, it was another baby. 

You came into our lives one month later and we rejoiced over your existence. You were such a wanted child! 4 years of prayer and 2 miscarriages later, we were overjoyed to see your 12-week body waving at us and having a lovely heartbeat.

Over Christmas, Mummy had a feeling that something was wrong so she went to the hospital. 

Nothing could ever prepare us for the words of "we cannot find a heartbeat". Tears were cried, while shock and disbelief sank into our hearts. The doctor asked for the head doctor to come in to confirm her diagnosis that you were gone. 

Mummy knew when she saw your unmoving body on the ultrasound. I knew that my little gummy bear was gone. My heart was shattered into a million pieces. 

We prayed over you and asked the good Lord to revive your body. It was honestly hard to believe on that level of resurrection because you were gone for a good 4 weeks. Mummy reckoned that Lazarus was dead for 3 days and Jesus was dead for 3 days, but there were no examples of anybody being resurrected after 4 weeks. 

Still, we asked for prayers and decided for go for another ultrasound 2 days later. 

The diagnosis was still the same. You were gone. This time though, a deep peace settled on me. I knew that you were safe in the arms of Jesus. You looked so peaceful asleep in the ultrasound. 

Fear gripped my heart because I didn't know what to expect, having to deliver a dead baby. 

I've only heard of horror stories of women who bled a lot, fainted and needed emergency care during their miscarriage. 

We had people praying over us like crazy. I asked specifically that the labour would be "quick and painless and that the abortion pill would take effect quickly." 

Guess what?? 

Labour with you was exactly that!

Mummy took the abortion pill and she started to feel some mild cramping but it wasn't painful. In fact it was so painless that she could continue to talk to Daddy on the phone. 

The next thing I knew, my waters broke. I was shocked. Wow. My waters broke and I didn't feel any pain? 

I wasn't allowed to take a second pill because it was too late and the doctor said I should have the second pill in the morning. 

But I really wanted to give birth to you. My friend messaged me and gave me some specific breathing exercises and told me to visualise you coming down the birth canal. 

I breathed deeply and pushed for 3 times before you were born. I was in shock. The birth was completely painless! My heart broke into a million pieces to see your lifeless body in real life. I bawled my eyes out cos I knew I would never see you alive on this side of eternity. The nurse came in and hugged me so tightly while I sobbed uncontrollably. Daddy race-drove to the hospital to be with Mummy. 

You were a part of me for 4 months and for the first time I saw your body. Lifeless but oh so cute. You were in a sleeping position and your 2 arms were wrapped around your right side where you nested your head. Daddy saw you and commented, "You sleep just like the Tews kids." All your brothers and sister sleep just like that. 

Daddy arrived just in time to cut your umbilical cord and Mummy was so happy that Daddy got to do that. The nurses were in a hurry to bring me to the operating theatre to do a D&C for Mummy cos the placenta was stuck and they wanted to clean me out. 

Everything was so smooth and Mummy was back in the room within an hour. I missed you so much and asked to see you again. I love looking at your miniature body and counting all your fingers and toes. You looked so real and Mummy marvelled at the reality of how God wonderfully and fearfully formed you in Mummy's womb. 

We will never stop missing you on this side of eternity. 

You were such a wanted child. Such a wanted 5th child. I promise I won't ever be silent about you again. I will never be embarrassed to have wanted you. 

Have fun playing with your grandma in heaven. We will see you again. 

Love you so so so much

Mummy

---------------------

Pregnancy loss is real but the silence on this topic is even more deafening. I will not be silent. When you live, you will die. Why are we only sharing the positive happy moments in our lives and choosing to be silent about our losses? I want to share my baby cos my baby was real and he was God's blessing for us. His absence on earth does not nullify the fact that he existed. I will have no answers on earth on why this happened and of course I struggle with the guilt and the "whys". I've had 3 very early miscarriages at 5 weeks but this is the first time that my baby passed at 12 weeks. 

Still, I am thankful for this:-

1. I will see my baby again in heaven one day

2. I had a very easy and complication-free birth at 12 weeks. It was truly my first painless childbirth and I'm hardly bleeding anymore. No pain post recovery either. I can fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans and it almost feels like I've never been pregnant. Sad also, but what a quick recovery.

3. I could see baby in the ultrasound at 12 weeks so I could get all my ultrasound photos and watch baby waving at me. Baby must have passed away shortly after that cos baby wasn't measuring much bigger than 12 weeks. 

4. How my 4 other children really love their youngest baby. When I came back from the hospital, Gabriel immediately asked if he could see photos of baby. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea but before I knew it, all my kids came over and they were all loving on their baby from the photos. I could talk to them about death and tell them we have an eternal hope in the Lord Jesus as long as we don't throw away our faith in Him. 

-----------------

My experience with Covid-19

I got covid. 

I'm 38 with no prior health issues except for hypothyroidism for which I take a low dosage of thyroid medication. 

I've past the 1 month mark since I got covid and have recovered except for a lingering cough which I've had since February 2020, no thanks to pollen allergies. I went to the ENT doctor, she took a look at my throat and prescribed me 2 nasal sprays for which I should take consistently for the next 5 weeks. 

I'm sure you have lots of questions, so I shall attempt to answer each one. 

--------------

Q: How did it all started? 

I have no idea really. I am a housewife to 4 young kids and we've been having a lockdown for 3 months prior to me developing covid. If there is anybody with minimal social contact, it would be me. None of my 4 children fell sick nor had any symptoms so I'm pretty sure I didn't get it from them either. 

Q: What were your symptoms like? How long did it last? 

It all started with a weird muscle ache of sorts. Every muscle and ligament in my body would hurt. I remember thinking that I felt like an 80-year old woman. For me, it starting hurting somewhere around my breastbone and eventually spread all the way to the base of my spine. I tried massaging it but the soreness never went away. 

Saturday night

A few days of that weird muscle ache later, I fell sick.

I had body chills when I went to bed. I was shivering but somehow never had a fever!  I just felt all weak, had muscle ache and was totally out of it. Sunday was spent with me in bed trying hard to recover before the new week started.

Monday

We're still in lockdown mode with no school and kindergarten for the 4 kids so I didn't have to worry about whether I should send the kids to school. I soldiered on by myself for the whole of Monday during which I felt better, but everything came back with a vengeance on Monday evening. 

I still didn't think much of it because it felt like a cold / flu of sorts and we had no contact with anybody who tested positive. My first thought of "Could it be covid?" was when I realised my 4 kids were so healthy and none of them had any signs of being ill! Usually when one person is sick in the family, it was only a matter of time that the others fell like dominos. But these time, my children were Energiser bunnies with no hint of runny nose or a cold! It was hard to keep them home!

Tuesday to Wednesday

I felt like I got run over by a bus. Devoid of all energy and just wanting to lie down under my sheets and sleep. But I couldn't right? I had to take care of 4 children aged between 2 and 9. My older two boys had to be coached in their homework and the husband wasn't home, so  I pretty much tried to hold the fort by myself.

During the day, I would lie down whenever I could, especially when the baby was sleeping and during the night I would shiver the whole time in bed. It felt like my body was trying to fight a bad virus but had a hard time regulating my body temperature. 

Thursday

The hub bought a quick test from Aldi because he was curious about whether I got covid. I took the first test awkwardly trying to insert the swab in my nose, which yielded only bloody mucus. Looked at the test and thought, "Yay, negative!" Left the test in the toilet and went to the kitchen. 

Out of curiosity, after a while, I went back to the washroom to check my test results and can you imagine the shock of my life when the negative result turned positive??! I was thinking to myself, "Is this what they mean by 'false positive'?" I read the instructions again and realised one has to wait for 15 mins before reading the result. I didn't wait the first time. 

Needless to say, I took a second test. This time, I just used my spit because I had phlegm all over my nose / throat anyway, I figured it didn't matter whether I used my nose or my phlegm. Lol. 

I was coughing a lot. My phlegm would have traces of blood in it. 

The second test was a very clear positive. The result came up almost immediately and it is the picture above. Argh. There began my 2 weeks quarantine. 

I eventually took a 3rd test from a different brand and that turned positive too. Truth be told, even if it weren't covid, I wouldn't have had enough strength to leave the house anyway. I didn't need a covid test  to tell me to stay at home. That was obvious. 

Q: Wow. How did you feel when you found that it was covid?

Tbh, the first feeling I felt was shock. Then shame. 

I've never felt shame for being sick before. Ever. But I did! For covid. 

I think after 1 year of media propaganda, one is so used to being blamed if you get covid and being a spreader. As if I could do anything about it! I abide by the rules and don't meet anybody beyond what was allowed. And even then, it would be barely once a week. I don't even know from whom I could have caught it from. 

Q: How did you started getting better? 

I reached out to a friend of mine, Holly from the U.S., who's a very strong advocate for health and taking charge of your own immune system. Her 18-year old son got covid himself and shook off the illness in a couple of days. I knew she would be able to help me. 

What followed was a lot of FB messenger exchange during which I asked her all my questions and she equipped me with all the information she got.  Here's what I took daily. 

- 10,000 mg vitamin C (that's pretty much 10 of high-dosage vitamin C pills)

- 10,000 IU of Vitamin D

- 200mg Zinc 

For the kids I gave them

- 2000 IU Vitamin D

- 500mg Vitamin C

- 50mg Zinc

This was the dosage I took / gave the kids when I had an active infection and knew that I was still contagious. During the course of 2 weeks, I gradually decreased my dosage because too much of vitamin C can give you tummy problems / diarrhoea. True enough, once I started getting better, my stomach starting rumbling and I knew that I had to go easy on vitamin C. The children had their vitamins C and D in gummy bears / chewable tablets and vitamin D comes in drops, so that was easy-peasy. 

I also bought an oximeter for the finger. I wanted to check my oxygen levels regularly to see that I have a healthy oxygen saturation. I never had any problems with this as my oxygen levels was often hovering at 97 / 98%. The internet says to go to the hospital / seek medical attention if your oxygen levels plummet to below 90%. In Germany, the official recommendation is to stay home and recover anyway. I didn't want to go to the hospital unnecessarily.

Q: How did the 2nd week go for you?

Better. I no longer felt knocked over by a bus, but I still felt weak. 

But at least I could get out of bed, prepare meals before sitting down again. During the second week though, a terrible brain fog settled on me. 

You know that feeling you get when you're hungover? It felt like that for me 24/7. I tried everything to get it under control. Drink more water. Sit on my balcony for fresh air. Take my vitamins consistently. But after reaching out to friends who've had first-hand experience of covid, I was told that I needed to be patient and give my body time to recover. 

I would be talking on the phone to my in-laws in German and realise that my brain could not function as it normally would. I would stop my sentence half-way and think, "What on earth am I supposed to say?" Even my cooking took twice as long because I could no longer multi-task and would have to focus on one task at a time. For a while, I finally understood what it must be like to be a guy! Lol. 

I simply wanted to get better and be on my 2 feet again. My husband was juggling working from home and trying to give the kids the attention they needed. It simply wasn't possible. During those 2 weeks, I often slept even with the ruckus going on outside because I needed the rest. 

With the brain fog, I watched a film a day so that I could practise concentrating on something. Everything else was too difficult. 

For 2 days, I also experienced the weirdest lost of taste and smell. I wouldn't say that I completely lost my sense of taste but the food I cooked tasted different! I had a metallic taste in my mouth and it felt like my tongue was scalded so everything tasted different after that. 

I remember cooking Singaporean hokkien noodles from Prima Taste (a pre-mixed packet) and asking my husband if the noodles tasted the same, to which he said, "yes". I wondered if the package had gone bad, cos I had to keep adding more chilli to taste something. I also couldn't smell the air when the neighbours were BBQing. Thank God it all resolved itself after 2 days. 

The best advice I got from a friend was to "Go easy on yourself and give yourself time to recover." I tried my darnest to take that advice as much as I could with 4 young kids and a hub that was going mad with having to work from home with young kids. 

Q: Wow, that sounded quite tough. How do you feel now? 

I feel really good! My stamina is pretty much back to normal and I have resumed pilates twice a week. I'm not tired anymore. I'm just hoping and praying that my cough will clear soon. If its pollen allergies, usually it clears by summer time. 

Q. Would you take the vaccine? 

No. Never. No way. Ever. 

Our God-given natural immune systems beats ANY vaccine hands down. Any. And I'm definitely not allowing any mRNA to be injected into my veins. Ever. And not for a virus with a 99.7% recovery rate. Also, once a person has beat covid, the body is more equipped to beat any covid variations, ie. covid-20, covid-21... 

I'm not against anybody who wants to go for the vaccine. Everybody should have the right to decide for themselves. But I'm against discrimination against people who exercise their freewill not to be vaccinated with an experimental mRNA vaccine too. This mRNA vaccine doesn't prevent infection and doesn't give immunity. One has to take a booster every 6 months and only God knows what mRNA really does to the DNA of a body.

The hub has a client who's an untertaker. She hasn't seen any "increase in business" because of covid. There is no excess deaths in 2021 and even less deaths for the same period compared to 2020. Ie. There's no boom in her business. Her fellow undertaker partners say the same thing! No excess deaths. 

She said she's never buried a single covid patient who died. On the contrary, she's buried 2 people who have died 4 days after the vaccine, but it was never reported in the news. She's speaking from personal experience. She even knows one case when the hospital classified the death of a person as "covid" even though the guy tested positive for covid 6 weeks before he died! He was very much covid-negative by the time he died. This is because the hospital gets reimbursed more money for a covid death. 

Q. Have you got tested for covid antibodies?

As a matter of fact, I have! I just got confirmation that it's positive! My result was 579 when you only need 33.8 for a positive test. I'm over the moon! Now my next quest to see if I can donate my blood plasma. 

Q: Is there any advice you can give? 

Yes. In the words of Trump, "Don't let covid dominate your life". 

The fear of covid is worse than covid itself. I do believe there are some healthy people who have died or have had long-lasting consequences of covid itself. But, an overwhelming majority of people (99.7%) will recover from this illness with no issues. 

I'm Christian. I truly believe in the true and living Lord Jesus Christ. I believe the bible is real and the anchor of my life. All the days of our lives the Lord will fulfill. Worrying will not add to a single day of my life. God holds us in the palms of His hands. My trust is in God and God alone. I will not be a pawn of politics. I will not give in to fear. My authority lies in the word of God, not what mainstream media tells me. I understand what fear is. I truly do. Having gone through covid, I know what it was thinking if things would take a turn for the worse and I may not live to see my kids grow up. BUT I chose not to give in to fear. In my haze and half mental state, I remember telling God, "I want to live for Him! I want to recover! If God is for me, who can be against me??? He is FOR ME!!" I believe each of us are given a dosage of FAITH. Will we choose to have faith in God or give in to fear? Faith in a God who has overcome death?? Who knows our every thought, emotion, fear and hope?? God knows us!! He knows our inner being, the number of hairs on our head. God will not leave us in the pit of fear and hopelessness. Fear is not from God. God gives us power, love and a sound mind. 

Covid is real. People will get it. People WILL recover. God will never leave us nor forsake us. We are all called to be a good stewards of our bodies. Let's treat our bodies well. Let's eat well, exercise, sleep well, turn off fear-mongering news, open our Bible and seek God with all our hearts. God is close to the broken hearted and the fearful. The devil is having a whale of a time, watching the world paralysed in fear. I trust in my God-given immune system than a man-made experimental "vaccine". I don't believe in a quick fix. A vaccine will not fix covid. But God will. We do our part in fixing our bodies and allow God to do the part to protect us and bring us to the other side of post-covid. 

Dear Liam - 4 years old (amidst corona shutdown)

Love this boy

We've been on Corona lockdown mode for the past 5 weeks.

The first week was the toughest. I had no idea how to manage helping the two older ones with their homework while having to take care of the two younger ones. That plus the crazy increase in housework with having to maintain a certain level of tidiness with 4 kids at home at all time, cook two warm meals daily and not having a cleaner (we asked her to take a break), resulted in a pretty frazzled me for a while. 

But somehow we survived. I guess it helped that the hub was also working from home part-time, so I wasn't always alone with the kids.

Fast-forward 5 weeks and the German government has announced that the schools will stay shut down until May at least. I have no idea if my boys will go back to school for this school term anymore. In any case, I've gotten quite used to our usual routine by now. 

To be honest, even though I'm an extrovert by nature, being a stay-home-Mom has tamed me down a lot. I do not have any close friends who live within close proximity and while I'm thankful to be able to make small talk with some familiar faces in my neighbourhood, I must say that my children are my primary source of companion. Them and God of course! 

Being a SAHM for 8 years has prepared me for this corona lockdown I must say. I'm already home all the time and am used to spending time alone with my kids. However, the biggest change is having to be the primary educator of my kids even though German isn't my mother tongue. 

I have an influx of Emails from both teachers and finding time to sort through my Emails isn't easy. My Archilles Heel is knowing that I'm not a native German speaker and I keep thinking I would be better able to help my children if only I understood German as easily as English. But that said, I think this means that I'm constantly dependant on God since the Bible says, in my weakness, His strength is made perfect right?

This time has not been easy mentally either. I do think sometimes if Liam's birthday might be the last birthday I'll celebrate with him. Or what if I'm one of the few people who do not make it through this unpredictable virus? I'm not being pessimistic, but the reality is we do not know how long we have to live on this Earth. And being a Mom I know one of my biggest fears is not to be able to watch my children grow up and get married. My mom passed away just a month before I got married, so I certainly don't take it for granted that everybody gets to become a grandparent. 

That said, I've been nursing a weird cough for the past 2 weeks. And half of me hopes that it could be the corona cough? Cos then, I know I'm done with it. And the other half is, "Nah, it can't be...." 

But the bible says, if you faith the size of a mustard seed, you can move mountains. And my prayer is that somehow supernaturally, my family and I will have natural antibodies to this virus. I speak from experience that this is really possible. When I was pregnant with Isabelle, a kid in Gabriel's kindergarten got infected with the 5th disease - It is a pretty rare disease that causes skin rashes in children but when contracted when pregnant has the potential to be extremely dangerous for the unborn fetus. I was so worried! And to make matters worse, Liam broke up with a weird rash all over his face on the same day I went to the doctor to test my bloods to see if I got the virus! Writing about this still gives me chills! 

My prayer back then was only that I would not have any sign of infection in my blood. But guess what? Not only did I not have any infection, I was even immune to it!! Like seriously! How is that even possible, you may ask? I have no idea! I believe God gave me the antibodies supernaturally! How cool was that right? 

And somehow I believe I have this Praise report because I know the same God who got me through the 5th disease, will get me /us through this corona crap! 

We've been praying Psalm 91 daily as a family and its so comforting! 

Oh one thing we have incorporated into our family life? We take the time before we eat dinner to have a round of applause. Usually one kid would start, "Round of applause for Mummy for cooking such yummy food." And everybody would clap. And the next person would say, "Round of applause to Daddy for earning the money for the food." *clap clap* and on it goes until everybody has a round of applause. This thing just started randomly and somehow stuck. I thought it was such a nice way to appreciate everybody at the end of the day. 


--------------------


When we were preparing for Liam's birthday (before the corona outbreak), this was our conversation. 

Me: Where would you like to celebrate your birthday?

Liam: At home

Me: You sure? You don't want to go somewhere fun? We could go to the park, have a picnic, nice playground? 

Liam: No. I want to celebrate at home.

-------------------


During home quarantine after corona shutdown in Germany

Me: Liam, nobody can come for your birthday you know. Grandma and grandpa can't come. It will just be us celebrating your birthday.

Liam: That's OK. (Showing an understanding face).

Me: Really??

Liam: Yeah. I'm so excited to celebrate my birthday at home.

----------------

He got one present mailed to him from my in-laws.

Me: Liam you can go downstairs to the store to pick one more present for yourself ok?

Liam: But I already have one present.

Me: Oh but you can have another one!

Liam: Oh wow! I can have 2 presents!

Me: (speechless)

He ended up having 3 presents because my dad called from Singapore and said he would like to sponsor a present for the little one, so you can imagine his happiness! The mom in me just hopes to instil inner contentment and simple joys in the hearts of my little ones. Happiness doesn't lie in the size of a party or the number of presents one is lavished with.

I felt sad that we couldn't have guests over for his birthday this year. So that's why I decided to decorate the place & make the day as memorable as possible.

Liam enjoyed being in the center of attention for the day and getting calls from family and friends made him feel so special. It's such a poignant reminder for myself that as much as life can be isolating / uncertain as it in right now, God has still blessed us with so much we can be thankful for. I will always be thankful & grateful to God for this gift to be a Mom and to learn and grow with my kids.

We bought this letter garland which is sooo practical! If you look closely, you can see that each letter can be detached and re-used. That's fantastic for multiple kids in a family. You can have a professional-looking garland without having to go through the hassle of making it yourself. 

Look at how proud Liam looked! He wore a DIY knight crown that we made together once at craft group. The Hot Wheels toy is what he got from us and my Dad. 

I told them to look crazy

Somehow they always need to make rabbit ears

Look at that death stare! LOL. 

I baked a brownie chocolate cake and decorated it with M&Ms. Liam wanted to have a chocolate strawberry cake but strawberries are not in season yet so we compromised with M&Ms. I also baked some German vanilla Kipferls - traditional German Christmas cookies because I had to get rid of some ground hazelnuts. 

The boys played with sparklers!

Isabelle was so fascinated by the sparklers but Liam was positively terrified

Let's try to ignore Isabelle's picking of her nose. Lol. 

Finally, one photo with me in it!

Liam couldn't take his eyes off the scary sparklers!

My big boy!

Blowing candles must be one of the best things ever as a birthday kid!

The boys totally enjoyed playing with the new toy!

-------------


Dear Liam

You are such a sweet kid. You lavish Mummy with hugs and kisses and I'm so enjoying it until the day when you don't do it anymore. You still sleep next to Mummy's bed because you haven't started kindergarten yet. Our deal was that when you start kindergarten, you can graduate to the big boy bed, but since that is nowhere in sight, Mummy shall continue to enjoy having you as my roommate. 

Once in your half sleep, you came over and said, "Mummy, I really like you very much", hugged me and you went back to sleep after that. Can you imagine how Mummy's heart melted into a million pieces? 

You really enjoy learning how to cook and bake! 

Whenever you see me in the kitchen, you would ask if you can help me and would proceed to wash your hands first! Mummy appreciates having a little elf and who knows, maybe you'll be a chef one day! 

You made banana muffins here

Here you were using a real knife to chop up veggies!

Look at how happy you were making chicken nuggets! And yes, you finished breading the nuggets all by yourself! And you persevered until you were done with almost 1kg of chicken breast! 

End product! 

You love doing crafts! 

We usually do craft together every Tuesday afternoon with a very nice Russian lady. But the Family Center has been closed since the shut down. We really need to start doing crafts by ourselves again! 

 Life as the youngest of 3 boys 

My 3 blessings

The boys are sooo good at games by now! 

You are the youngest of 3 boys. As much as you love having 2 older brothers to look up to, it hasn't been a bed of roses for you either. You are always trying your darnest to catch up with them and you feel frustrated when you can't. 

You picked up cycling just a few days before the shutdown. Thank God! Wow! We tried to get you to cycle a few weeks prior but you were too scared. Somehow though, when we tried again, you picked it up sooo quickly! And what better timing because all playgrounds are closed and there's hardly anywhere we can go to. Since then, we've been cycling as family of 6! 

Once, Gabe had to use the toilet desperately so he decided to speed home with Sam, leaving you to cycle home with Mummy. I didn't see it as a problem, but boy oh boy. You were so upset! You cried buckets and was so overcome by your emotions! You simply couldn't understand why your brothers left you behind. Mummy's patience was honed up a notch because she had to wait in the cold for you to calm down before we could resume our cycling again. 

This was the first time I realised how a seemingly small incident can have such an effect on the mind of a 4-year old. I realised if I were in your shoes, I would of course feel so upset at the whole situation as well. Needless to say, that was the first and last time your brothers sped home without us (you). 

You have also learnt how to play Monopoly, chess, this German game called, "Dame". It's becoming so much more fun to play with you! 

Life as an older brother to a 1-year old sister

I'm so proud of how you've grown in your role as older brother to Isabelle. It's not easy being dethroned from being baby of the family but you have really done it with grace. You absolutely adore your baby sister and would look for her once you've woken up. With your two older brothers usually at school (before corona), your constant playmate has been Isabelle, who has also started playing with regular lego at the age of one. You two share an amazing bond. 

You're mild in temperament, so even when you've had your tantrums, you've been able to listen to reason and make wise decisions. We pray that you'll learn to hear the still small voice of God at a young age and you won't be fazzled by problems but you'll always live a life of faith, knowing that with God you can climb every mountain.

We love you very much young man! 

Mummy & Daddy