Friday, April 21, 2006

Slowing down after 3 weeks

I just finished my 3rd week of YWAM and have decided to move back from the base. Not that Stephan and I are not doing DTS anymore but because God really cornered me to slow down my pace of life.

Well, its quite a long story. Basically we went back to the base on Monday morning and I felt really drowsy. I could barely keep awake in class even though I wasn't even that tired and the speaker was really interesting - Samuel Phun, his topic is on Forgiveness and Deliverance. I realized that maybe its becos I had a flu over the weekend and it was taking its toil on me. I asked for the afternoon off and slept for 3.5 hrs, woke up in time for dinner. However, I felt really sad and had no idea wat was bugging me.

At night, I tried to sleep at 12midnight but I really couldn't. Stephan was so tired so he slept immediately and I couldn't find it in my heart to wake him up to complain about not being to sleep. I started thinking about a lot of issues in my life - the grieving process, the new marriage, my impending move to Germany, DTS and its committments and how tired I am all the time with hardly any time to reflect on what I'm learning. Hence, at 2.30am I made a decision to take a one-day break from DTS and go home to sleep. I woke stephan up to tell him I was leaving and he was really shock lah.... Anyways, to cut a long story short, I went home and spent tuesday struggling, coming to terms with my 'feeling the world is spinning out of control and I can't do anything about it' feeling. I went for german mock exam in the evening and felt so demoralised, cos its one of those that it does not matter whether u study for it or not.

I went back to school on wednesday still not sorting out anything, all this time getting more and more depressed and physically exhausted. Met up with Ailing in the afternoon and Cecilia, Jen, Andrea, Yvonne, Wendy and Pastor Ian for dinner..... And then, there was such a breakthrough! Ailing prayed with me and helped me so much with the emotional and spiritual stress I felt....such that by the time I reached Cecilia's place, I could have a decent conversation without crying or feeling like I can't breathe. So yeah, I told them how I felt and I thought it'd be the usual problem-but-no-solution thing. Instead, Yvonne was asking me questions that an experienced counsellor would ask and I realized that there is something I can do about the situation!

I went home and talked to stephan about it and we decided that we would do DTS for the lecture phase and keep our afternoons free, except for Monday and perhaps Wednesday. The rest of the time is for ourselves, to meet people, reflect, spend time with God.... haven't decided how to plan it, but its to enjoy our time in SIngapore in short...... before we both move to Germany..... It was so amazing, cos it was so clear to us that this is what God wants us to do and that our God is not a 'If u don't do DTS full-time, u're a bad Christian ' ...but God really loves us and sees that we are really struggling with all the new changes in our life and that the best thing now is to ruthlessly eliminate hurry.

Wat can I say, oncĂȘ we got approval from YWAM, we felt that a burden and load is just released from our shoulders....we have moved our stuff back home, with a tinge of sadness...our staying in base lasted all but 3 weeks and we DID really enjoy ourselves....... But we know that our season in life now has quite a lot of very important priorities which requires us to re-prioritize and re-focus...... So thankful that God cornered me to face up to the fact that I'm not a superwoman and to let HIM be God...... I don't have to 'earn my spiritual points to grow' but God will be the one who will make me grow, I just need to be faithful to what He has called me to do.

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